woodland girl

Dear Blog Readers,

Thank you for continuing to follow me despite my long absences. I’m living in Germany at the moment and here is one of the songs from a wave of inspiration I had in early autumn. It’s a little change of direction, not completely where I want to be as a songwriter, but a step there!

she’s a quiet one,

she’s like a woodland girl and she sings,

she’s just a little child to me

i’ll go out walking with her,

peach petite,

and i’ll buy her ice cream on the beach

oh, if only he had known,

and if only he could see

the sad soul that’s in me

you thought it’s sweet,

the taste is sticky, sickly,

as if you’d tried to kiss me,

creepy

quiet man

why do you think that it’s okay

to come so close to me today?

oh, if only he had known,

and if only he could see

that in my self i am free to choose,

and not diminish in the pretty little game you play with me

and not be under any kindly little boy’s abuse,

cause there’s a fire in me

little boy,

though you think you have a toy,

i am no ordinary fairy

i’ll fly away,

another place, another day,

and then i’ll find a proper man who gives me room,

is big enough himself to let me choose,

even if i seem ever so nice and cute, well

it doesn’t mean i respect you

if only you could know

how strong my true love goes

you’d run a mile before you tried to play with fire,

simpers and smiles will never match up to desire,

i need a flame that burns much brighter

than a woodland creature

Aphids

If ‘you and me’ became a thing,
Then would you be
Content to bring
Your heart unto the table alone,
And share your part in brine and bone
But ask for nothing less from here?

O, I could give you that, I fear,
Too easily; but idols fade
So fast, and love can wither
Like the grass, so I would rather
Live first deprived of glamour,
Shorn of the bloom of summer,
Even though we’re at the height.

The golden beams will glisten;
The apple, it will shimmer,
And we’ll cry out in the heat
And the humidity. But none
Shall falter, none shall take that forward path
So bold, and yet so wandering.

Yes, let us fade, instead of this
Too too ornate temptation; let us take
The greener and the humbler way,
The naked and the day-to-day.
Instead of seizing greedily
Those things which we think make us free,
Like tiny aphids let us strive
And crawl towards a better life.
Although we whisper, let our voice
Carry beneath the general noise
And outlast all this earthly splendour
In cold stone holy, natural grandeur.

At times

Every time I write, I feel a fool
When all the thought, the work
Into which I pour my all –
Dissolves.
Sometimes, it’s true,
Mad paper shreds won’t buy
My sanity, and bleed no genius,
But waste.
At other times, as sure as gravity
God will drop through the thought,
Clunking at the bottom
Like gold.
But even at these times,
Have I been gullible? Have I lost
My wit, over-gestating, still too much
Waste paper?
Oh, all my heart, it bleeds for you;
And all my lungs, they breathe
For you. For you,
Alone,
On whom it all –
They all, that is, all of my parts
Collected – gathers, never will dispel,
Or fall.

Liminal Work

It’s like prayer –
Out of fear you come,
you go.

You never want to stay,
you stay – away,
You play
Around,
Ellipsical,
And taper out the day until you cannot bear
One moment more of sun —

So then you plunge;
The water’s cold;
The fear is old,
but bold
and plays
In several tortuous ways
On innards,
Swirling,
meeting.

Just ask,
you say?
Just knock,
and it will go away.
To knock,
the door is all in dark,
and you must reach it-
plunge in deep —

One moment more,
This lasting fear
Will soon be gone
And you’re absorbed
In light-full patterns all around-
It’s like your eyes are full of light,
and beaming, LIGHT,
On every book that can be found.

It’s LIGHT that is of You,
The life of men,
The light that never dies, the darkness
Has not seen it. But it lasts –

and Penetrate the broken shards,
deep unknown cavity of dark –
I’ll stay a lifetime in this dark,
Just to be beamed upon by You.

London, Brave Heart

Aslan calls Lucy ‘Brave Heart’ –
and do you say- you do?
to me?
 
It’s right, you see, you say,
I shout – to London
‘My brave heart’
 
and how would I have known?
how would I know without You?
that voice within me,
trumpets,
‘Brave’,
and this is where,
this is where you were belonging,
with words unspoken (no words needed) –
‘this is where you belong’.
 
From Scotland I come,
rushing headlong
in the rugged land shouting within,
‘London, I come!’
 
From the north I come,
Finsbury Park (spare home)
And all the dregs are nearly stifling my candle flame- from the ride on the train –
but, together, we come –
I am not one,
With You I’m done;
London, we come.

III (untitled June poem, published belatedly)

Today, the day he walked away
Was the day the Muse came back to me.
A handsome boy with ruddy cheeks
And corn-made hair, and happy weeks
Ahead: all fade in moonlight now,
He loved another, he loved before,
He’ll love again and I’ll grow grey:
Yesterday he walked away,
And today the Muse comes back to me.
 
Today, the day of emptiness
I found a sound way to be full
With sighs and groanings, not a word,
Not chasing wind, and not absurd
But God’s around, and God has heard
And whispers to my drowsiness:
Today, the day he was away
is the Day my heart came back to me.
 
Today, the night of sadness
Was the night my voice was rasping, hoarse,
And I loved to hear the sound, of course;
The night I listened to some words,
And smiled with people, all absurd,
But wished for nothing, like the night
And liked to talk, up late at night
And think-meander poems slight
About how my love and how my God
Vanished, and we came together again:
Most blessed am I, above all men
For the night my God came back to me.

Diamonds Crown

Why would I be
Unworthy
To wear this crown
When all, it’s given
Given unto
Me?

Me:
The dispossessed,
Impoverished,
Yet loving many,
Many all around.

Around,
I hope I can give out,
Out into the open air
Air to breathe,
To feel,
And that’s riches.

Riches enough?
For today, it may
May be enough.
Enough for one,
But tomorrow is two;
To search out new gems,
Gems for a holy head.

To wear this crown
I don’t deserve;
But I will serve,
And diamonds come
Enough for one.

When a screw comes loose

 

Earlier it was severance,
A wrench low down when I was tight on,
A tearfulness when I thought of rejecting him,
Heartbroken when I lost all my gold coins.
 
Gold soon turned to grey,
Bleached and blanched to sickliness
In the many hours of nights awake,
Repeating the same old antimatter,
Chewing the cud on antimatter.
 
The screw turned back and forth,
The notch scraped harder,
The lockedness – all I wanted, 
Staying stable
Stable into death I rolled.
 
No, he’s still gold
But I have turned to ash.
 
All it took
To resurrect
Was a profusion of ambers,
Of amethysts,
Rubies and yellow,
Yellow gem of Sun you are – 
Music soothing,
People grooving,
Screw’s a-moving.

Glastonbury, the Third

SUNDAY

Waking up pleasantly late due to no little boy noise, I made some princess cooing noises and stretched. ‘The last day of music!’. I’d slept amazingly, better than in bed. Cliché but true: ‘I’ve really grown to love this’.

Sunday was the best day for music. After making my pilgrimage to the least disgusting toilets, I stayed at the Pyramid Stage, coffee, listening to African music and contemplating several things. Not reading poetry, as I had planned. Sometimes we need breaks, even from things we love. Words of wisdom, part one. I thought gratefully about ‘African music’. Not really my ‘thing’, but it fulfilled an important, ministering role to me throughout the festival, like sun making greening chlorophyl in a plant, only I imagine this music made me bright yellow, zanily alive. Music ministers – most music does, in its own way, but I especially appreciate the musicians who do it gently. Early at 11 in the morning, especially. It’s amazing how early I was to everything because we were camping, with so little to distract us, and I wanted to be out.

My friends joined me for First Aid Kit, one of the bands I’d been really excited to see on the lineup poster. They were great. Their voices always are – I’ve always loved their original sound; again, singers with attitude. Their quirky country-infused sound, heavily harmonised, has already impressed me plenty. I was surprised that one of the sisters, the less smiley and shorter brunette, does all the melodies, and the smiley agreeable blonde does more harmonies and talking. Why don’t people smile? She must be shy, I suppose. I really, really appreciated their talking; it was insightful. They talked up Paul Simon, their favourite songwriter. Johanna introduced their cover of his song ‘America’, as ‘a song about a journey of self-discovery’. I had never thought about this one of my favourite Simon and Garfunkel songs in that way. Insightful, girls. It was amazing to be seeing this band I love live. And to sing along to ‘Emmylou’. Which is just so clearly their best song. It’s in the perfect key for a melancholic, passionate country song. And ends happily. My friends liked them, too. Who couldn’t, a little bit?

Oh, dear, but all, all was eclipsed under the dark moon that is Rufus Wainwright. I went through a long phase of liking him and all his albums in sixth form. I listen periodically now, still, and think ‘Yeah, he’s actually everything I want in a songwriter’. Yeah: despite his deliberately offensively kitsch flat decorations, his toy dressing up; despite – yes, that is a good word for Rufus Wainwright.

‘I’m here to delicately take you into the next phase…. of your downfall’. Despite the split infinitive, that phrase made me laugh suddenly. I was glad to be standing, alone, to see him, the closest I got to any band. I’d made an effort with my appearance but felt the raffish headband a little tatty, a little too ‘Glasto’ for him, who apologised with impressive mock self-deprecation for his inability to provide ‘happy festival music’. And proceeded to play a ‘happier’ tune, (hardly: as if any of his music was ‘happy festival music’!) ‘Sanssouci’.

Did I mention how devastating he looked? Only to absolutely everyone who’s asked me how Glastonbury was. He wore a simple black shirt, with only the smallest trim of glitter on it, and jeans. I adored the close-ups of his face. I became the 17-year-old fangirl I always was. I wonder if the Queen of the Night finds it off-putting that so many girls find him drop-dead gorgeous? His cute lispy banter was dry and made me want to, almost, drop all this ‘Glasto’ lark and follow him into the darkness. Almost. Oh dear, leave me to reading his several fascinating interviews and listening to Want One again, over and over. Does it help to say that Elton John thinks him the best living songwriter on the planet?

I was slightly disappointed that there was no band to play his elaborate arrangements (probably for financial reasons), but his being there made up for it. He’s pretty good on piano and guitar. And he did Memphis Skyline, all vulnerable about it (could he be serious?) : ‘this song’s kind of a mess’. Only my favourite mess in the world!

I’ve forgotten who even followed him. Oh yeah, that’s right, no one. I went to see Tom Odell, who had a great band with him and created the ‘festival atmosphere’ really well, but the stuffy John Peel stage made it hard to see him. I’m also underwhelmed with how heavily he has been marketed, although Odell himself seems like a sweetie, a newcomer, and super-keen about the whole ethos of Glastonbury on facebook. Quite good songs too, especially ‘Another Love’, with the zombies singing in the background.

After a soltan-handbag catastrophe, I found my friends at Segafredo and danced to Vampire Weekend in the late afternoon sun of the Pyramid stage, dress pockets stuffed indelicately with the purse and sunglasses case I’d rescued from my dead bag. This is my life. I adore Ezra Koenig, I think. The English teacher turned musician. Especially having since listened further; Vampire Weekend give me twinges of Glastonbury. Then, I just thought they were brilliant party music. Now, I know this was the start of something far more than a one-day stand. Something about their tone touches the spot. Its major simplicity would be overly bright, sun-shimmering and dazzling if not delivered so intelligently. And being just the right amount of flat; just the right balance of electronic. Now, whenever I use an Oxford Comma I cackle in delight.

Sunday had three outstanding acts, both musically and vibe-wise, but Tom Odell was pretty good. Mumford and Sons provided a fitting finale, too. Not that I would call them musically outstanding; but we were with some jolly nice 30-year-old men who knew all the words. Mumford and Sons do have some pretty eloquent lyrics.

The lighting – gold – was gorgeous. The band are beloved sons of Glastonbury, having performed there for five years already. It was especially lovely to celebrate their amazingly bearded bassist’s survival of a recent scary illness all together as a crowd. Mumford and Sons are darlings. There was a special moment, singing ‘Awake my soul’, which has a bizarrely Christian line: ‘for you were made to meet your Maker’. It was special, and ethereal, that they got everyone to sing along there. Usually I become irate at people waving their hands vacuously in gigs, but this moment, my hands were right in the sky. High as kites. There was nothing vacuous about it. The finale was lovely, bringing in several other bands. Ezra Koenig played saxophone, the ever-more-eligible little multi-instrumentalist!

Wonderful enough, to bear the long, long queues for the train home the day after. To endure the scornful glances of London airheads on the tube, who judge people for having a backpack – you weren’t there, man! It was like returning from Narnia. This grime is like being anointed with oil of honour. I’m made of substance, to have got through all this muddy crap bearing an epitome-of-uncool bag on my back with dignity intact. I am eternally grateful to the wonderful man working in Pret a Manger, Kings Cross, for calling me ‘darling’ when I bought my cheese croissant and cappuccino.

All that remains, then, is for me to say ‘I’ll be back’, like my dear friend Arnie, only minus the comic understatement (back in one second when I will proceed to motorcycle into your police station and smash everything up) which makes it worth saying. Yet, with good and civilised manners, a happy half-hippie, I will be back.